Marriage can be glorious, wonderful and romantic, but also rocky, tumultuous, and just plain hard. As much as I’d like to think it’s all my hubby’s adorable little quirks that lead to the difficulty, the reality is my selfish, sinful heart also gets in the way of what God intends for this beautiful picture of Christ and His bride, the Church- that’s us! This relationship is important on so many levels. First, it represents the Gospel to the world around us. Second, it is the foundation of a thriving civilization. Third, it provides an example and stability for our children. If we desire to have a healthy family, if we desire to point our children to Jesus, then we will desire a thriving marriage. Marriage is established by God, and is a picture of Jesus and the Church, His bride. May we fight to preserve and protect it.
One evening, while attending dinner and Bible study with some of my closest friends, I received a phone call from my dear husband. He said, “You need to come home right now. The baby is crying, and only you can soothe her. I’ve had a long day.” Blah, blah, blah! In his defense, I had forgotten to leave a bottle and baby girl was wiped. The loving, submissive wifely response eluded me. That pre-marital course on The Excellent Wife did not serve me well at the moment. Years of carrying, raising, teaching little ones. Years of working to supplement income. I watch our beautiful children all day, and many nights alone. I care for their every need with little rest and time for myself. I think you can take care of a baby for TWO hours! I was seething. The build up of resentment was so heavy, and no one was spared from my raging outbursts on the subject of fairness. I’m not a proponent for being a doormat (more on that later), but the bitterness was eating away at my soul and stealing my joy and, more sadly, the joy in our home. I excused myself from the study. My sweet, intuitive friend came to make sure I was ok and no one had died because by this time I was losing it. Not a delicate, tearful sadness, it was a blubbery, uncontrollable rage. Thankfully, my friend is not judgmental, and her beautiful lake home was a good thirty minutes from our home. God dealt with me. As much as I was pleading, ok screaming, for God to deal with my husband, He gently and lovingly instructed me. Oh, He is such a perfect Father! He loves, yet chides with tender care and perfect motive. These moments of the Holy Spirit’s conviction teach us valuable lessons about our Savior. God reminded me of His love for me on that long, straight, dark ride home. I recalled the classic marriage passage on love, that’s not actually earmarked for marriage, but all relationships.
“Love is patient, love is kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
By this definition, I’m wondering if I love anyone at all. But, this is how He loves us- always. Dear ones, meditating on God’s love for you will change your life! His love for us, while we were sinners, is the only true motivator for us to love others. And, the Holy Spirit is the only One who enables us to love like Him. I wasn’t loving my husband well. Does he deserve my unconditional love and respect? Not one of us is deserving, which is what makes it so beautiful. If Christ loves me without condition and without expectation, can not this sinful woman love another sinful man in obedience to and love for Christ? The Holy Spirit reminded me of the words of Peter:
“Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.” 1 Peter 4:8
Love in this earthen shell also requires heaps of forgiveness. Again, a verse that I’ve recited to my children thousands of times gently corrects my sinful heart.
“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you.” Ephesians 4:32
How has Christ forgiven me? He has removed my sins as far as the east is from the west and remembers them no more! It was forgiven before I even asked. I seek daily forgiveness and practice confession to Him, but there is no possible way to recall, or even be aware, of the immense sin I commit before a holy God on a daily basis. I’m convinced that the full revelation of our sinfulness would consume us to the point of death. My point, He forgives what we do not even confess. He has forgiven all past, present, and future sins. He’s not waiting on the perfect apology to offer His forgiveness. It’s done. It’s finished. He seeks a broken spirit and a contrite heart He will not despise, but we are cleansed by His blood on the cross. We do not have to wait until there is sufficient remorse or proper confession for each individual sin. When we confess our sinfulness and believe in our heart God raised Jesus from the dead, we are saved. Confession is involved, but the penalty is paid in full. We can not do anything to earn our salvation, including having adequate shame and remorse. In fact, that’s not from God at all. Forgiveness is freely given. We can forgive by the power of the Holy Spirit, because God in Christ has forgiven us. This is true in all of our earthly relationships- especially marriage.
Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. Even secular psychology has discovered the immense benefits of forgiving others. It frees us from the “victim mentality”. Victim mentality is an acquired personality trait in which a person tends to recognize or consider themselves a victim of the negative actions of others, and to behave as if this were the case. Being a continual “victim” paralyzes us from moving forward, taking responsibility for our own negative actions, and leaves us in the prison of our own self-pity, anger, and bitterness. God wants to free us!In the Sermon on the Mount Jesus says:
“You have heard the law that says, ‘Love your neighbor’ and hate your enemy. But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For He gives His sunlight to the evil and the good, and He sends rain on the just and unjust alike.” Matthew 5:43-45
God gives these commands for us. When we pray for those who persecute us, God often uses prayer as means to change our hearts, to move us toward compassion or the recognition of our own sinful tendencies and repentance. He also uses our forgiveness as a means to display His generous gift of forgiveness and salvation through the gift of His Son. This may seem impossible! It may seem unjust or unfair. God is just. He will punish evil doers. But, He offers grace and forgiveness to His children. When God gives seemingly impossible commands for His children, He doesn’t leave us to fulfill them on our own. He provides the power of the Holy Spirit, but we must want it. Do we trust Him enough to forgive? Do we trust Him to heal the deeply bruised and broken places of our hearts? The darkness and depth of sorrow that no one else can even truly see, but Him? Do we trust Him to restore us? Do we trust that He is just and all earthly wrongs will one day be made right? He can be trusted. He sees you and He loves you! It’s this extravagant LOVE that compelled Him to go to Hell and back to unite our filthy sinful hearts back to His. This is a recurring theme in my life. I need the reminder often. He has proven faithful ALL of my days. He loves me and He can be trusted! Walk in God's love, forgiveness, and strength and extend it those around you.
Side note- this post applies to the ups and downs of a typical marriage. In instances of physical, emotional, and spiritual abuse, please seek help and safety. God can restore what's been broken in your soul. I am here to help those seeking to strengthen their marriage and those needing to begin a new journey of healing after trauma and/or abuse.